Reflection

It’s a brilliant pre-summer day and the sun is definitely “a blazin’”.  I’m sitting out in the garden, relaxing after a long weekend full of friends and memories.  We were finally able to have the memorial party for Brian’s mom, Cathy, and it was beautiful.

A long time in the planning for various reasons, most of our close friends were able to come to our home and celebrate the life of someone many did not know, but who deserved recognition.  Brian’s mother passed away in December of 2009.  She lived in Florida with his father, but Brian has wanted to have a party/memorial to celebrate her life and recognize her passing in the company of our closest friends and loved ones.  May Day seemed the proper day for this occasion.

Brian gave a wonderful speech/talk he had thoughtfully written reflecting on the positive aspects of his mother’s life and how these things had influenced him up to present day.  The speech was touching, poignant and illustrated the life of someone whom very few in our company had ever met.  It gave everyone a snapshot into Cathy’s life and a way to relate and understand Brian’s relationship with his mother in a way they might not otherwise have experienced.  I was so proud of him and touched by the reflections.  Our friend Randy also played and sang a beautiful song in honor of the day. 

As Brian told me, he just sort of “made up” the day as he went along, and I think it was perfect.  There is no right or wrong way to celebrate and honor the life of someone close to you.  The most important thing is just to remember.  I think there are many people who’s passing may come and go without the notice of many, and we are fortunate to have so many great friends who wanted to come and pay respect not only to Brian’s mother, but to Brian, showing solidarity in a deeply necessary and human way.  For this we are so thankful.

It’s hard for me not to be moved by Cathy’s passing, not only because she is my partner’s mother, but because her life and death were so similar to that of my father, Jim.  Both passed from complications related to renal failure brought about by long-term complications with diabetes.  The tragic part in this to me is that both of them died so young.  Cathy was just 59, and my dad was about a month and a half shy of this same age.  Many of their health complications could have prevented if they had taken better care of themselves, but I guess people don’t always do what’s best for themselves for various reasons.

We had the party to celebrate those still living, and to remind people you have to “live, live, live”.  I think a lot of us get bogged down in the trivial day to day, get broken, get pushed around more than we would like and in the end you just start to feel tired, defeated or downright depressed.  A party is an antidote to these sorts of feelings.  This may sound contrived, but surrounding yourself with the people you care for most, and that care for you in return is the best way to remind yourself you are in fact alive.  Baking is also a necessary part of the party, at least for me.

I’ve said over and over how feeding your friends is the best way to show your love, and for this party in particular the sentiment couldn’t be more true.  Brian chose the menu for the special day.  We did lots of cheese from our favorite fromagerie, Murray’s, as well as delicious sandwiches catered by Murray's via Randy.  Randy also brought over some delicious pickled beets made by her very own hands.  There were piglets in a blanket for all of us piggies at the party and of course some items slathered in butter and sugar courtesy of yours truly.

Brian requested sugar cookies.  I had made these same cookies a couple of weeks ago for Randy’s birthday party and people seemed to really, really like them.  Since many of the people at our house yesterday were folks that had been at Randy’s celebration, it just made sense to make them again.  This time we chose shapes that were more in line with celebrating Brian’s mom.  We had a platter of cookies dedicated to Florida, where she lived.  I found cute little palm tree and shell cookie cutters as well as using a round food mold to make some oranges.  The other platter was more dedicated to Brian because the white, hobnail cake stand was from 1971, the year of his birth, and contained little flower and bee shaped cookies…the bee being his nickname.

The other item Brian requested was Lemon Bars.  We looked for a Barefoot Contessa recipe because over the years we’ve discovered she never creates anything that isn’t amazing.  I think the lemon bars may have stole the show at the party.  The crust was a very simple concoction of flour, sugar, salt and butter…similar to shortbread, but the filling was ridiculously full of lemon.  The intensity was crazy!  Not only was there a cup of lemon juice in the filling, but also the zest of five lemons.  I’m learning more and more what a secret weapon the zests of fruits really are.  The depth of flavor they bring to a given dessert is quite astounding, but they also work to bring out the best in savory dishes as well.  My passion for lemon was well matched in this delicate, sticky and sweet dessert.

As I said, I’m sitting out in the garden just listening to the world go by.  It’s quite humid and hot and feels like mid-July.  Sometimes it’s good to have a day like this come along a little early.  It’s nice to get a taste of summer with the knowledge it will be cool again tomorrow.  Luckily it wasn’t like this outside yesterday or people would have been melting.

We spent a great deal of time out in the garden during the party.  Most of our friends came up from the city and it’s refreshing for them to sit amidst some greenery from time to time.  I’ve worked hard on this garden for the past three years and it’s always my hope that people will come over and sit a spell, feeling calm and relaxed in the ever-growing space.  This garden has been therapeutic for me.  I’ve worked through a lot of emotional experiences in this space with my hands in the dirt, a lot of the emotions being about my dad.  It was only fitting that we celebrate Brian’s mom in this space too and fondly remember her for all the good things she did and the positive ways she influenced Brian.

Last weekend we planted a tree in Cathy’s honor, naming it Doris after her mother.  It’s a flowering dogwood tree, which is the state tree of both Virginia and Missouri where Cathy grew up and lived respectively.  Brian gave his speech next to the tree, and it stood by proudly watching.  Over the years I’ve come to a place where my beliefs about death and what happens after have changed, and in the end it doesn’t really matter what goes on after.  What is important is to be present in everyday you have and not to have regrets.  Regrets weigh heavily on a person and can extinguish a bright light faster than anything I know.  I do my best not to have any.  It’s just who I am.